Why can’t parents be friends with their children?
Every parent aspires to be friendly and nice to his/ her child and wants to know what is going on in their life. When you tell people that, not always, parents can be friends with their child, eyeballs turn towards you with a puzzled look.
Let us take a common scenario that is discussed on the school campus or with a counselor. The sharing of thoughts would be like this-
Parent “I am my child’s best friend and I am proud of being one”
Child “My parent has given me all the freedom and chills with me like a buddy”
In the above statements of confession, don’t you see that the
a. Parents share each and every bit of their life with the child, by treating him /her as ‘equal’?
b. Encourage children to share every happening and indirectly compel them to do so?
Do you see any red flags alerting?
When one of my colleagues, Mrs. Salena (who happens to be my good friend too !), was discussing with me why parents should not be friends with their children and treat them as buddies, I thought of pooling the points from our experience and publishing them as a blog post. This carefree relationship without parental timely advice has its own pros and cons.
Does parents’ advice help the young growing adolescents?
Parents are the epitome of love and kindness. But, do parents have anything else beyond this? Yes. They are adults who would have seen the world and would have garnered more experience. This is one of the reasons why they can advise these youngsters and help in getting over sticky situations.
If parents can come to their children’s rescue and protect them, why can’t they be friends with their children? This question is very tricky.
Ask yourself about friendly-parenting
- What happens if you show extreme friendliness, instead of legitimate concern when needed (though not both the parents contributing to the mess)?
- How can you enforce the parenting rules, if you behave like a friend?
- How can you set ethical standards to be followed?
- What if your child thinks that your parenting style is a little too permissive? (which can develop a loss of self-control in the future)
However, below mentioned are the facts that came to my notice when we had our discussion with the troubled students !!
How is the parents’ friendliness interpreted by youngsters
- Children want PARENTS to behave like parents, who can set rules and be vigilant and rigid for all good reasons.
- They tend to complain about not being very comfortable in the too-liberal parent-child relationship.
- Parents are considered inattentive when their child is allowed to fight all odds, all by himself.
- Parents’ worries and financial struggles are considered a burden when shared. Although, this doesn’t mean that you, as a parent, need to hide the hardship and get them the most comfortable life that they can dream of !!
What do youngsters expect from you?
1. They appreciate your conduct when you stealthily hide your problems or your professional problems but still act like mature adults. When they overhear your problems, while discussing them with your other spouse, they will empathize and respect you for your dignified life.
2. They want you, as parents, to set standards to help them, look up to you and follow.
3. Studies have shown that consciously or subconsciously, a child carries the lifestyle regime and dreams of growing to be like his/her own parent. Haven’t you seen your colleagues or friends recollecting the way their parents had brought them up and don’t you hear them mentioning that their parents are their role models and they want to be like their parents?
Then, who can be your child’s friend? You as a parent!?
Though you act like a friend/ buddy with your child, he/ she cannot share all the secrets with you or doesn’t feel comfortable sharing the adolescent infatuation. This phase will pass soon and your child understands the reality as he /she grows out to be more mature. Now, put questions to yourself-
- Among the two parents, if one parent is very friendly and the other very strict, who does the child secretly worship?
- who would be the role model in the child’s future life?
- what can be the consequence of being too friendly and acting like a peer?
Too much friendliness makes your child all the more anxious and makes him/her feel “ nobody is in charge of my behavior”. Studies have shown that children brought up by strict parents with firm decisiveness, tend to grow up to tackle any conflict with ease.
Always remember, they love you as parents and your decisiveness in exercising authority over them and toeing the line. To be honest, they don’t want to see your friendly neglectful parenting which can be overwhelming !! I am not saying this, growing minds feel that too much permissive parenting is nothing but neglectful parenting’ !!
